Keep me where the light is.

Did you know that you could be wrong
And swear you're right
Some people been known to do it
All their lives
But you find yourself alone
Just like you found yourself before
Like I found myself in pieces
On the hotel floor
Hard times have helped me see

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

One thing I notice about hamsters is that they are scaredy-cats who get heart attacks 24/7. They like to zoom to their wheels at the slightest movement/sound, and start running like a T-rex is hot on their heels (probably think they are running v far away from it)......... but actually it's just my hand putting in food -.-

But one thing I learnt from our cute furry friends is that when we don't face our fears and do something, we'll just keep running round and round our wheels, but nothing actually happens. We're not any further from our problems. Remembered a saying from Pastor A.R Bernard: Don't confuse movement as progress. Going round and round in circles is movement, but it takes us no more closer to finding a solution. But if we face up to them, life something springs up surprises in the form of...  sunflowers seeds and apple biscuit treats :9

As much as I love my hamsters (and love sleeping like how they always do), I gotta start doing something soon. Inaction, as I learnt throughout the whole of Semester 2 in so many readings, can be something that haunts for life >:

Been a week since post-exams and I've more or less just stayed at home watching shows, eating and sleeping....... BUT I've decided that the official rest week is over and I shall get my butt down to work. Jogged a few rounds round the neighbourhood tonight and I was panting like there was no tomorrow. It's only been 2 - 3 weeks since I last jogged sighhhh (which goes to prove how destructive a week's worth of being a lazy bum can do to you).

Sooo. It's my first 3 months term break, and I am determined to make something out of it. First of which, I shall pack my room tomorrow morning. Reminded of what Pastor said a long time ago: how you keep the state of your room is a picture of how you keep the state of your life/heart. And it is so true. Therefore I shall make a commitment to keep it neat and tidy starting this holiday <: alsooo, I am going to sleep early today, because my body clock is so messed up I sleep at 5AM in the morning and wake past noon. Shall wake up early to jog and exercise tomorrow onwards. Countdown to reservice / IPPT / $400: 1 month!

Top 3 priorities for these 3 months is: 1) Earn as much money as possible. 2) Be as fit as possible. 3) Finally stop procrastinating and get my driving license. Oh yes, and I should probably stop posting stupid-lame-emo-depressing-negative-you-get-my-point kind of posts/tweets because I kinda realized I was so frustrated at your immaturity but then I guess my own actions and words weren't better off and yada yada yada. The point is, I finally know what I should do.

Positivity. Let's do this. I am a FIGHTER.
Light is always at the end of the tunnel.
Just gotta make it to the end.

Many people spend their lives searching for that one true love, and never find it. But it was never because true love is rare and elusive in this world. It is just that true love doesn't exist the way they comprehended. True love isn't all about perfection, connection, compatibility, magic... No, it is the furthest thing away from that. Quite the contrary, I might say. True love is more all about imperfection, disconnection, incompatibility, and the mundane. It is found in the midst of all that chaos. (And didn't we find ours through all those, too?) "The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all." –The Emperor of China (Mulan)

But most of the time, people let true love pass them by, just like that. Few realize it's not that true love doesn't exist.
It was just in the process of blooming.

That I love you.

I am very tired too..

But I can't give up. I can't. I don't care how many nights how many tears how many bruises how many cuts.
If it really means that much, cleave on.

Cleave on.
to You and you.

The greatest message you can preach is your life, not words. While I'm tempted to judge, I am reminded: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Tonight, I pray that I can watch my own life. Let no offences linger in my heart.

---

Three essays due next week, and I'm barely done with half a paper. Seems like tonight's gonna be another unproductive night. Stress and heartache must be the most lethal combination ever..... but nooo I'm not giving up. Gonna sleep, wake up, and tie that red cape round my neck again. My dreams will take off again someday! <O/

"Because I've maybe been through a little bit more, know how depression feels like a little bit more, than the average Singaporean." -Pst Kong Hee

And I can relate. Perhaps not more than what pastor had to go through (the whole country's eyes were on him), but the feeling must have been the same. These past two months hadn't been easy. To have been asked to leave a a group of people I've been serving and giving my all for the last four years wasn't easy. To have been asked to find another home by the one I laid my life down for to serve wasn't easy. To watch my family crumble apart wasn't easy. To know my mom was bullied at work and keeping quiet all these while and to not be able to do anything wasn't easy. To watch the girl I love walk away when everyone walked away wasn't easy.

I could not understand or comprehend how someone else ended up the victim, and I became the antagonist. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger during this period of my life, but even David and Job lashed out in times of adversity. No one knew how many times I broke down and cried during these two months. No one knew that I was sinking so deep in depression. No one knew that thoughts of taking my own life were swimming in my head. All these would have seemed impossible to many people, and even to myself if this was me before everything happened. My faith was strong enough to declare that nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever make me leave the presence of God, much less take my own life. But I was wrong.

During this period, many people have walked in and out of my life. They have asked me to go to church, look to God. But almost none recognizes that while faith makes all things possible, it doesn't make things easy. The things that I'm told are the things that I grew up learning about. If this world works by logic and logic alone, I'd have cleared this hurdle a long time ago. But things don't work that way. Because where logic is concerned, emotion is involved too.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love."

Almost all the people who walked in have said things along the lines of faith and hope. Have faith in God. Don't give up hope. But very few, have stayed. For the past two months when I've been going through the most tumultuous period of my life, I needed love. Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself", and he went on to teach the parable of the Good Samaritan. In the parable, the man laying by the roadside was not saved because of the priest (faith) or the Levite (hope). He was saved by the good Samaritan, the epitome of love. Love is nurturing the wounded man, carrying him to an inn, and taking care of his needs.

I'm truly thankful for everyone who's tried to be there for me. I'm also apologetic for the times I waved these people away, but it was partly because I really did not need lines of faith and hope drummed into my head repeatedly. All I needed was love, someone to walk in, and stay in my life.

That said, I am still going to try. To many people who knew part of the story, and watched me struggle through all these, I may appear to have not tried enough. But every single day I've been trying. Trying, but get struck down, every. single. day. Be it jibes aimed my way, more people walking out my life, more cold shoulders... I try and I try and I try and I try and I try. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to live through each day, juggling some of the hardest emotions anyone can ever go through. Every new day, I wake up with faith and hope in my heart. Every night I fall asleep on a soaked pillow, wishing that God can just take me away.

But if God has placed me in this situation, I have the capacity to overcome it. Because everything happens for a reason. For me to do a presentation on the Book of Job in school this term, I am reminded that He knows the way I take. When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. Because 真金不怕火。Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And if my Isaac is you, then I place it on the altar. If we are meant to be, we will be one day.

Because I won't give up. Try,
and try again.

---

Two things during my recent prayer runs: 1. Be humble. 2. Do not be angry. Some people are proud to be humble, and they wish for the whole world to see. I cannot be as such. Anger has also blinded me and deteriorated the last few meaningful relationships I have. While I wish for others to not be selfish, I am reminded not to be selfish myself.

Happy Good Friday. Thank You Jesus,
For dying on the cross for us, and showing us what love is all about.

'Cause I'm easy
Easy like Sunday morning~

How much you love, is how much you hurt
when it all falls apart